The biggest fallacy that some leaders subscribe to is that intimacy has no place in leadership or business. They subscribe to this fallacy out of fear and a need to protect themselves.
They fear that if they become intimate—that is, if they allow their true selves to be revealed to others—they might lose respect, lose their importance, and lose their power.
The fallacy of intimacy is that if you don’t engage you won’t get hurt.
But life has a way of exposing us, even if we don’t want to be revealed.
Every day, in a thousand ways, we disclose ourselves to the people around us—in our teams and organizations, among our peers, and even with our partners.
Everything we say and everything we do reveals something about who we are. Even the things we don’t say and the things we don’t do tell others something about us.
If you are the kind of leader who is busy building walls and hiding behind masks so you can feel protected, your thinking has one terrible flaw: the things that you feel will protect – will also be what walls you off.
Any leader who has not had their heart touched is leading from a hidden heart.
To bring intimacy into your leadership, you have to be:
Aware. When we allow ourselves to be aware, we have no need to look to others to validate our feelings. We are the first to listen to our heart, then our leadership becomes anchored in self appreciation.
Vulnerable. When we allow others to see our vulnerability we are accepting all of who we are, our entire selves, then our leadership becomes more truthful.
Committed. When we allow others to see what we are committed to, we show them what is deeply important to us, then our leadership becomes more responsible.
Honest. When we speak from the truth, and we say only what we mean and keep our actions aligned with our words then our leadership becomes deeply rooted in integrity.
Connected. When we allow others to see who we are really are, we can connect on a deeper level, and our leadership becomes focused on people and relationships—then our leadership becomes one of loyalty.
Trustworthy. When we allow others to see our authentic selves, we become trustworthy. Trust then allows our leadership to be honest about ourselves even if it makes us uncomfortable.
[quote]Only after we open ourselves can we intimately lead others.[/quote] .
The truth about intimacy is that it allows others to relate to us on a more worthwhile level. It gives us permission to care more, it entitles us to be more, it grows more connections and deeper relationships, it builds more resilient teams, it fosters a positive culture in our business, and it leads to a more purposeful leadership.
Lead From Within: Intimacy is not a leadership responsibility. But it should be. And when you treat it as a responsibility, it benefits everyone.
[box]Lolly Daskal is the president and founder of Lead From Within a coaching and consultant firm that manages large scale corporate coaching and custom made leadership programs. Connect with Lolly Daskal [/box]
© 2013 Lolly Daskal. All rights reserved.
Of Lolly’s many awards and accolades, Lolly was designated a Top-50 Leadership and Management Expert by Inc. magazine. Huffington Post honored Lolly with the title of The Most Inspiring Woman in the World. Her writing has appeared in HBR, Inc.com, Fast Company (Ask The Expert), Huffington Post, and Psychology Today, and others. Her newest book, The Leadership Gap: What Gets Between You and Your Greatness has become a national bestseller.
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43 Responses
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February 9, 2016
[…] Leadership: The Fallacy of Intimacy […]
Alli Polin
11. Feb, 2014
Intimacy should be a leadership responsibility! Yes! Intimacy takes courage and that act of courage, showing who you are inspires others to do the same. Leaders that are open to intimacy not only connect with others more deeply but also are willing to know themselves more deeply.
My favorite leaders are the ones that took off their mask and spoke their truth with courage, vulnerability and heart. Have been fortunate to work with more than a few.
Thanks, Lolly!
lollydaskal
11. Feb, 2014
Intimacy simply means that the doors of the heart are open for you; you are welcome to come in and be a guest.
lollydaskal
11. Feb, 2014
Life is a search —a constant search, a desperate search , a hopeless search, a search for something one knows not what.
There is a deep urge to seek, but one knows not what one is seeking .
And there is a certain state of mind in which whatsoever you get is not going to give you any satisfaction.
Frustration seems to be the destiny of humanity because whatsoever you get becomes meaningless the very moment you have it.
You start searching again.
The search continues whether you get anything or not.
It seems irrelevant —what you have, what you don’t have, the search continues anyway.
The poor are searching, the rich are searching, the ill are searching, the well are searching , the powerful are searching, the powerless are searching, the stupid are searching, the wise are searching— and nobody knows exactly what for.
Have you ever asked yourself what you are searching for?
we are all searching for intimacy.
Marg
05. Jun, 2015
Hi Lolly – is it fair to say that this also applies to personal relationships between couples? Where does leadership sit within a family?
lollydaskal
06. Jun, 2015
Yes Marg it does. Great insight.
lollydaskal
11. Feb, 2014
Dear Leader: Don’t wear masks; otherwise you will create great dysfunction.
Martina
11. Feb, 2014
Excellent post Lolly. Yes, leaders often buy into the fallacy that avoiding intimacy keeps them from getting hurt. While in fact the opposite is true. Every one hurts, but by not allowing the intimacy of openness and human contact and fellowship and intimacy, each must suffer alone and often in silence. This will ultimately take a toll on individuals, team morale and organizations.
And, yes, is always the leader’s responsibility to behavior that they expect and that is of service to everyone, and not themselves alone.
lollydaskal
11. Feb, 2014
By intimacy,is opening yourself to many people, you become richer. And if you can live in deep connection, in deep friendship, in deep intimacy, with many people , you have lived rightly.
Jon Mertz
11. Feb, 2014
Lolly,
Leading with intimacy taps into our leadership skill of empathy. In our relationships and understanding, greater commitment to do what matter most, together, will arise. Tapping into the leadership soul of others will always empower greater things to be done!
Thanks, Jon
lollydaskal
11. Feb, 2014
Unless you are centered, unless you know who you are, you cannot really relate. The relationship that goes on without self-knowledge is just an illusion.
Panteli Tritchew
11. Feb, 2014
Hi Lolly:
Great title! I agree that many of us subscribe to “the biggest fallacy… that intimacy has no place in leadership or business,” and that when we do so we operate from fear. This is sad because intimacy fulfills a core aspect of human being, the need to belong and to share.
In logic, fallacy means deception. When we don’t reveal our true selves to others, we may deceive them in the short term, but ultimately we are simply cheating and deceiving ourselves. As you say, “Every day, in a thousand ways, we disclose ourselves to the people around us.”
Ironically, while we are disclosing ourselves to others, we are deceiving ourselves. When we put time and energy into masking ourselves, playing a character in a play, adopting different personae to suit different situations and agendas, over time we forget there is a person beneath that masque and who that person is.
P.S. My university is on Spring Break this week. Can’t wait to reconnect with the #leadfromwithin community tonight!
lollydaskal
11. Feb, 2014
When two people are really open to each other, when they are not afraid of each other and not hiding anything from each other, that is intimacy .
When they can say each and everything without any fear that the other will be offended or hurt.… If an other is offended, then the intimacy is not yet deep. enough. Then it is a kind of arrangement, which can be broken by anything.
But when two people start feeling that there is nothing to hide and everything can be said, and the trust has come to such a depth where even if you don’t say it the other is going to know, then they start connecting as ONE.
See you tonight Panteli!!!!!
So happy.
Panteli Tritchew
12. Feb, 2014
Internet went down last night around 6:00 pm EST. (We are in Caymans for the week.) What absolutely crummy timing…so disappointed!
lollydaskal
15. Feb, 2014
You were missed!
Terri Klass
11. Feb, 2014
Leaders who are able to show all sides of themselves and be vulnerable, are authentic leaders. It is only when we can be honest about our challenges and blind spots, that we can achieve more intimate relationships.
I think being honest is the most important piece of attaining intimacy for leaders. Open up and share your true self. Those are the leaders worth following!
Thanks Lolly for an enlightening post!
lollydaskal
11. Feb, 2014
The word intimacy comes from the Latin root intimum, which means your interiority, your innermost core.
Unless you have something there, you can’t be intimate with anybody.
You cannot allow intimum, intimacy, because they will see the hole and parts of you that are wounded.
They will see that you don’t know who you are and that you don’t know where you are going.
Hence the fear of intimacy appears.
LaRae Quy
11. Feb, 2014
So many people lead with a hidden heart 🙁 I appreciate how you are continually challenging them to be authentic and real…
I think one of the main hesitations leaders have in bringing their heart out into the open is vulnerability. Often, people become leaders to avoid showing their heart!
This does nothing but create chaos and distance for everyone…including the leader with the hidden heart.
Loved the post, Lolly!
lollydaskal
11. Feb, 2014
Intimacy is a totally different dimension. It is allowing the other to come into you, to see you as you see yourself— to allow the other to see you from your inside, to invite somebody to that deepest core of your being.
itsjeremy
11. Feb, 2014
I agree 90%.
To lead, you also need a little distance.
Your employees, those who look to you for leadership, for guidance, need to look up to you as well.
It’s (partially) why a speaker stands on a step. Why a magician needs some distance from the people he’s about to astound. Why a rock star’s on a stage.
We want our heroes, our mentors, our leaders, to be bigger than us.
Sometimes there’s a temptation to be “one of the guys”.
As much as you give of yourself, as much as you connect and open up, you’re IT.
And that demands some distance.
IMHO.
lollydaskal
11. Feb, 2014
Jeremy, As much as I admire you, I disagree with you.
As a leader, I am not interested in being looked up to. I am interested in making a difference.
Respect
Lolly
itsjeremy
11. Feb, 2014
Lolly,
I admire you even more.
And you ARE looked up to. And while that’s not your goal, it is relevant.
Naturally the goal, the purpose, is to make a difference.
My point is that we take counsel from those we respect, those brave enough (like you) to stand up, stand out, and do the VERY difficult thing – and LEAD.
You have a choice: being a leader or being one of the guys.
All I’m saying is that SOME distance is necessary, for leaders.
Driven to lead from within.
Great respect,
Jeremy
Martin
12. Feb, 2014
As much as I hate to break up this sycophantic love-in, I have to agree with Jeremy, a leader needs to be looked up to be able to make a difference. Inferring that making a difference and being looked up to are mutually exclusive is a straw man argument.
lollydaskal
12. Feb, 2014
Jeremy
Will be happy you agree with him. The world is made up of many. I embrace it all.
lollydaskal
15. Feb, 2014
To be authentic means to be true to oneself.
It is a very, very dangerous phenomenon, rare people can do that.
But whenever people do it, they achieve.
They achieve such beauty, such grace, such contentment that you cannot imagine.
Love shall prevail, caring shall win. Intimacy shall conquer our fear.
lollydaskal
15. Feb, 2014
Admire me less Jeremy …..
Lets each try to be the best we can be, instead of being worried where we stand – in front or in the back…
Lolly
Jacky
12. Feb, 2014
Intimacy is multi-dimensional. And multi layered. Think of intellectual intimacy, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, spiritual intimacy etc. Then there is the layer of intimacy through openness, and intimacy experienced through closeness.
Some people are very willing to ‘be intimate’ allowing themselves to be seen on one dimension and/or layer only through one dimensional closeness or openness. And shield off the other dimensions.
This is often where in due time unconscious misalignment in relationships occurs and confusion and hurt eventually kicks in. Needs and expectations in the depth (read multi-layered and multi-dimensional) of intimacy within the relationship are not aligned.
We need to be more aware and dare to be vulnerable to allow intimacy in connections to grow deeper and emerge on several dimensions in order to have healthy and positive long-lasting relationships. This takes open dialogues and the courage to express needs and share personal information..
One dimensional intimacy of whatever kind is bound to provide short term fulfillment and excitement, however is not sustainable for any long lasting organically growing meaningful relationship, business or personal. Unless both are content and fulfilled with the one similar dimension of intimacy. Which is fine.
Fear, ego and irrational beliefs often block us from building and maintaining healthy well aligned intimate relationships.
Love, trust, openness, courage, vulnerability and compassion, also in leadership, are the healthy nurturing ingredients for intimate depth.
Wishing all of you the joy of true intimacy from within!
Jacky
lollydaskal
15. Feb, 2014
One should never listen to anybody, what they tell you to be.
Always listen to your inner voice, what you would like to be; otherwise you are living another person’s life not yours.
Be authentic with yourself and do not allow others to tell you who and who you are not.
Let the judgments stay where they are and from who they are.
Just remain true to your own heart–in the end your heart shall prevail.
Shana Thomas
12. Feb, 2014
After co-owning a business for six years and experiencing the growth of entrepreneurship, I found that the most successful times fiscally and professionally were the most transparent.
As women we feel we have to toughen up, thicken our skins to find true success in the business world or that others will take advantage of our vulnerability. After so long you learn vulnerability is the true key to professional and personal relationship success.
As the old adage says, we all put our pants on the same way.
lollydaskal
15. Feb, 2014
Shana
Love that you shared your story. We can all learn from it.
love your adage and it is very true.
Sue Dunlop
13. Feb, 2014
It takes courage to vulnerable as a leader, but I agree that this is how you build trust within a team and make it comfortable for others to learn with you. When I admit mistakes and share my learning, it opens the door for others to do the same. We can change work culture one person at a time by doing this. Thanks for the post!
lollydaskal
15. Feb, 2014
When the mind is silent and the heart is speaking, you will know- without any fear but and with great joy— to be intimate.
Without intimacy, you are alone here among strangers.
With intimacy, you are surrounded by friends, by people who love you.
Intimacy is a great experience. One should not miss it.
Richard Rierson
14. Feb, 2014
Coming from the Marine Corps as an officer one typically doesn’t associate intimacy and vulnerability with the USMC style of leadership. But some of the greatest officers I ever encountered were hose that were completely authentic and vulnerable.
They displayed a powerful confidence that made me want to follow these officers through the gates of hell.
lollydaskal
14. Feb, 2014
Richard
What an honor to have you visit my site.
I truly appreciate your vulnerability in mentioning how intimacy has played a role in your life.
Your message, your truth is very important for others to hear!
Thanks from my heart to yours for your powerful comment.
Lolly
jessica
14. Feb, 2014
I absolutely adore this post, Lolly. and your comment to LaRae is filled with grace:
“Intimacy is a totally different dimension. It is allowing the other to come into you, to see you as you see yourself— to allow the other to see you from your inside, to invite somebody to that deepest core of your being.”
wow.
lollydaskal
15. Feb, 2014
Don’t be a reformer, and don’t try to teach others, and don’t try to change others. If you change, that’s enough of a message.
Be the person who embraces intimacy.
Be the leader who understands its merits.
lollydaskal
15. Feb, 2014
One, never listen to anybody, what they tell you to be.
Always listen to your inner voice, what you would like to be; otherwise you are living another person’s life not yours.
be authentic with yourself and do not allow others to tell you who and who you are not.
Lets the judgments stay where they are. for what they are.
Just remain to be true to your own heart–in the end your heart shall prevail.
Samir Atalla
17. Feb, 2014
Lolly,
great post, I believe this is also linked to our insecurities, when we have insecurities we avoid intimacy for fear of those insecurities coming out and showing themselves and possibly putting us in a “bad light”.
As you said throughout the post and comments when you are sure of yourself and coming from a place of comfort and confidence in the person you are with all your insecurities, intricacies and quirks, you can be intimate.
The Leader is the person who shows confidence in the chosen path and has convinced the rest of the team that his is the correct path to follow and no matter what he will bear full responsibility as well as cover and support for the team along the way.
Intimacy takes time and con’t be achieved overnight, but having the will, strength and courage to open yourself up without fear of negative consequences or how others might see you.
To convince others to follow you, you must open up your heart and show your true self to show sincerity and faith in the your chosen path.
Samir
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29. Aug, 2014
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Scott Mattison
07. Oct, 2014
Again, great commentary by you and wonderful contributions by others. While I agree with these wonderful perspectives, I also issue caution for a leader to avoid practicing intimacy / disclosure / vulnerability as a technique to gain the trust of others.
Intimacy must always be regarded and safe-guarded as a value; a principle. Second, do not expect reciprocity. Workplace intimacy without boundaries or limits, and workplace intimacy as a leadership technique can easily be misconstrued by others and used to manipulate others, undermine trust, and build dysfunctional relationships.
There are myriad ways to demonstrate empathy, caring, and humanity in the workplace. Intimacy is but one. The powers and responsibilities vested in leaders demand that we be very careful in managing intimacy.
Dawood Chishti
10. Jul, 2015
Intimacy; connecting.with openness.
rakhsh
16. Jul, 2015
Leaders lead by example. … if leader’s personality is the reflection of his or her inner personality. They are being adored.
Ephaezar Osubu
28. Jun, 2016
Great work